New Beginnings
by lunalongbottom2448
Summary: "Everyone leaves me, Cas. Nobody more than you. And no matter what I say or do, you're always gonna find some new excuse to leave again. How many times do I have to tell you that I need you before you get it? I want you here, Cas. So why won't you just stay?"


"Dean!"

Dean looked up from the long table and combed his fingers through his unkempt hair, sighing in frustration. He had been flipping through the same dusty book for at least two hours now, and he still hadn't found anything to help them with their angel problem. All he had gotten out of his time was an impressively bad mood and one too many sneezes.

So he was pretty relieved when Cas walked up to him from across the table. "Dean, have you found anything yet?"

And now the relief was fizzling out. "No. You?" he said gruffly, rubbing his face with both hands to try and re-focus himself.

"No, nothing that will help." Cas's face dropped in disappointment as he spoke, although Dean noticed him making an effort to keep his expression neutral. This had been happening more and more, and every time it did, Dean felt a pang of sympathy for the fallen angel.

Cas had been human for nearly three weeks now, and he was definitely adjusting better than Dean had expected, but there were still plenty of changes to deal with. He and Sam constantly had to remind Cas to eat, bathe, relieve himself, and other things that came as second nature to most people, but of course not to Cas. And the most obvious change was the way Cas was acting. He had been having serious trouble containing his emotions. Sure, he had fallen before. But this was his first time being completely human, having his grace taken from him, and the emotional part of him was more pronounced than ever before.

Cas's first night at the bunker had been just over two weeks ago. After the angels fell, Sam and Dean had been looking for him, but there were no signs pointing to his location. So, naturally, Dean was beyond relieved when Cas showed up on their doorstep. But after stumbling inside in his dirty, wet, and fraying trench coat, and after Dean had provided him with fresh clothes, Cas had retreated to the bunker's guest room and started crying.

At first, Dean tried to give him some space. But it only took an hour before he couldn't handle the cut off sobs coming through Cas's door. They were muffled and quiet, but somehow they were still deafening to Dean. As soon as he had knocked on the door, the sobs abruptly stopped. "Cas, it's me. Can I come in?"

Cas had given Dean a small grunt of consent, and Dean pushed open the door to find Cas sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He was wearing one of Dean's t-shirts and some old shorts of Sam's that were way too long on him. Add that to the tear tracks, quiet sniffing, and almost quivering lip, and he was the very picture of heartbreak.

Which is exactly what Dean's heart did at the sight. Without another word, he had strode across the floor, pulled Cas up by his shoulders, and wrapped him in a warm and protective embrace. Cas sank into Dean's arms, and for the first time, he put his arms around Dean and returned the hug. Tears were still trickling out of his eyes and soaking Dean's shoulder, but the sobs had ceased, and that was enough for Dean. For now, at least.

Dean had immediately decided that the clear course of action was to find a way to retrieve the angels' grace. The rest of the world had, understandably, been a bit confused when thousands of people mysteriously fell from the sky and then disappeared with no explanation, and the easiest way to stop all the theories and media attention was to get all the angels back upstairs as soon as possible.

So for the past two weeks, both of the Winchesters, Cas, and Kevin had all been researching non-stop for some possible solution. But even though researching rarely failed them, they had made next to no progress whatsoever.

And now, watching Cas fight to keep the despair out of his expression, Dean blamed himself. He hadn't been able to help Cas when he most needed it, but now he actually had the chance to fix things, and he was failing to make any difference. More importantly, he was failing Cas.

Cas pulled Dean out of his defeatist thoughts after a few moments of heavy silence. "Dean, I want you to know that I've appreciated your help these past weeks. You certainly had no obligation to me after what I did, but you helped anyway, and I'm grateful. But..."

"'But' what, Cas?" Dean asked, sitting up at full attention now, confusion and something akin to panic swelling in his chest.

Cas winced at Dean's accusatory tone, but he still continued, "I've been thinking, and I've decided that the only viable option at this point is to go looking for the grace. Clearly, books and research are not enough anymore."

"Oh, okay." Dean made a conscious effort not to sigh in relief. That wasn't nearly as bad of a reveal as he had been expecting. "We'll just talk to Sam and Kevin and come up with a game plan with the best–"

"Dean," Cas interrupted, regret clear in his eyes. Dean's heart sank at the realization that what he was about to hear wouldn't be good. Damn Cas's amplified emotions.

"I'm going to look for the grace by myself. I have no right to intrude on you any longer or cause you any more trouble than I already have. It's better if I leave you alone from now on."

Cas refused to meet Dean's eyes. He stared resolutely at his feet and stayed silent, almost as if he was waiting for Dean to reply before he said anything else.

Unfortunately, Dean was too busy seething to come up with a coherent response. His thoughts were a jumble of disbelief, anger, hurt, all battling for the forefront of his mind. It took him several moments to find his ability to speak, and when he did, all he could say was, "This is just like you, you know that, Cas?"

Cas finally looked up, meeting Dean's furious eyes with a confused gaze and head tilt, prompting Dean's thoughts to cloud over temporarily with nostalgia. But he cleared his mind right away. This conversation that they were about to have had been a long time coming, and Dean needed to be alert for it.

"Every time you get too close..." Dean continued, "Every damn time I think that this might be it, this time you might stick around, you find some reason to leave again." Dean's voice began to increase in volume, and he placed both hands on the table that was separating them, trapping Cas with his burning glare.

"Everyone leaves me, Cas. Nobody more than you. And no matter what I say or do, you're always gonna find some new excuse to leave again. How many times do I have to tell you that I need you before you get it? I want you here, Cas. So why won't you just stay?"

"Don't you get it, Dean?" Cas's eyes were brimming with desperate tears and his voice began to break with barely contained emotion. Dean's righteous anger waned as Cas's words came tumbling out. "Can't you see that it doesn't matter how much I want to stay? Because I do, Dean. I've always wanted to, but I never can. I have to leave, because the longer I stick around, the more damage I'll do. You're too important for me to risk causing you any more pain. I ruin everything I touch, and I refuse to ruin the one person who matters most. You want to know why I won't stay, Dean? It's because I love you."

Cas froze as he realized what he had let slip out, and he looked ten seconds away from bolting.

It occurred to Dean that he should probably say something, but he seemed to have lost all ability to move or speak. And so he just continued to stare, slack-jawed, at Cas.

Cas apparently took this silence for horror, and he looked more terrified than Dean had ever seen him. "I'm so sorry, Dean, I don't know why I said that. It must have just been these new emotions, they're hard to control and sometimes things slip out that just–"

Cas stopped speaking as Dean shook himself out of his shock and began to walk purposefully around the table towards him. Cas watched him a resigned expression, clearly expecting some sort of attack, but he didn't move to stop Dean.

Dean imagined that Cas was taken slightly off guard when instead of hitting him, Dean pulled Cas towards him by the waist and kissed him soundly on the lips.

Cas stayed absolutely still, and when Dean felt no movement in response, he pulled back. But he kept his hands on Cas's waist, trying desperately to judge his reaction. Cas maintained a blank face, and Dean couldn't help thinking it was just his luck that Cas chose this moment to be impossible to read.

Eventually, Dean decided he'd waited for this too long already, and he spoke up first. "Cas, I've told you before that we're family. That's still true. And family doesn't shut each other out, no matter how many times we screw up. So I'm asking you to stay because I don't care what you've done in the past. It's the past, it's over and done with, and now we can fix it. I'm just asking you to let us help you fix it."

Cas's eyes began welling up with more tears, but he still didn't respond.

Instead of getting frustrated like he normally would, Dean only grew more determined. He wasn't going to lose Cas, not again. So he softened his voice and said, "Cas, if you love me, then just stay with me, okay?"

At long last, Cas moved, blinking back his tears. And as Dean waited for him to say something, anything, with baited breath, an almost imperceptible smile grew on Cas's face. "Okay."

Dean's smile was wide enough to split his face in two. Cas's own smile grew in reply, and Dean surged forward, capturing Cas in a hungry kiss. Cas returned it hesitantly at first, clearly not sure where to place his hands or how he should move, but Dean was sure enough for the both of them. He placed his palms on either side of Cas's face, and slowly but surely eased Cas into the kiss until he practically melted, leaning forward into Dean's chest and wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Dean smiled when a soft moan escaped Cas's lips. Dean deepened the kiss, carding his fingers through Cas's unruly hair.

When Sam showed up only moments later, sighing and saying, "Took you long enough," Dean couldn't even bring himself to be annoyed. He just smirked and waved Sam off, kissing Cas once again as extra insurance that Sam would get the idea and leave.

Sam had a point, after all. And now they had to make up for that lost time.


End file.
